


Posh Me

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15586056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Set after “Skipper” in Series XII - Rimmer attempts to convince Lister that there really is a suave, cultured version of him in a parallel universe, but Lister isn’t buying it.





	Posh Me

“He sounds like a right tosser.” Lister, arms folded, eyed Rimmer skeptically. “You’re telling me there’s an alternate Lister out there who voluntarily wears a smegging blazer and waistcoat? No way, man. No self-respecting me would dress like that unless he was going to some fancy do, and even then he’d probably wear his best leathers instead. Next, you’ll be telling me he didn’t have locks.”

“No, actually, he didn’t. He was very well-groomed,” Rimmer replied.

“Unlike your grotty, disgusting little gimboid, right? Smeg off, Rimmer.” 

“Why are you snapping at me? It’s true. He was well-groomed, well-spoken, and seemed quite cultured. He was even drinking wine.”

“Wine? Now I know you’re taking the smeg. Listers don’t drink wine. We drink lager. Wine is for pompous snobs.” As he spoke, Lister nodded toward the glass at Rimmer’s elbow with a smirk.

Rimmer glowered at his partner. “I don’t know why you refuse to believe me.”

“I don’t believe you because this sounds like some sort of weird fantasy of yours. Listen to yourself, man. You’re claiming you met a posh Dave Lister...”

“David.”

“Eh?”

“He went by David.”

“Oh, for Mimas’ sake.” Lister rolled his eyes in disgust. “All right, then, a posh DAVID Lister who dresses like he shops on Savile Row, drinks wine, and talks like he has an audience with the bloody Queen, and I’m supposed to swallow this and not think that you’re just trying to get me to go along with whatever playtime scenario is in your head, because the thought of a toffee-nosed git version of me turns you on.”

“Believe what you like, Listy,” Rimmer loftily replied. “It’s all true.”

“Right. So, did the smegger have photo albums of telegraph poles?”

“No, but he did collect vintage wires.”

“You’re definitely taking the piss, man. Nobody likes that silly crap except you.”

Rimmer huffed in irritation. “I am not making this up, and I’m not trying to get you to roleplay for me. I’m simply preparing you for what you’d see should Kryten get that blasted skipper functioning again and integrate it with the Holly Hop Drive as he’s attempting to do, and should we decide to go for a visit.” 

“If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather help Cat lick his suits clean than meet Git Lister, thanks.”

“I could easily arrange that, you know. Oh, and, speaking of demented animals, just wait until you meet your alternate’s seven-foot-tall pet rat.”

“Pull the other one, then!”


End file.
